I'm sure many people have heard of the butterfly effect, a fascinating theory that suggests that even the smallest changes can lead to significant differences in the future. I have been asked the question countless times in my life: "If you had a time machine, what would you go back and change?" As a young child, my response was simple and heartfelt—I wished I could keep my mom from leaving. As a teenager grappling with loss and grief, I would often say I wished I could go back and prevent my mom from dying, believing that doing so would somehow restore something I had lost but could not name. However, as I became an adulthood, my perspective began to shift. I gained a deeper understanding of life and I realized that every event, no matter how small or seemingly tragic, has contributed to the person I am today. Even a slight alteration in my past would create a ripple effect, leading to a completely different trajectory in my life.
Although I enjoy my time alone, I never turn down a good one-on-one conversation with someone. There’s something profoundly enriching about those moments when you get the chance to look through someone else's eyes and truly understand their perspective. It gives a sense of honor to be the person they choose to confide in, to share their stories, dreams, and struggles. These conversations possess a magical quality that can transform an ordinary day into something extraordinary. They bring the world into a clearer perspective, making everything seem more interconnected. In those intimate exchanges, the boundaries of our individual experiences dissolve, revealing a shared humanity that is often overlooked in life, time seems to stop, allowing us to immerse ourselves fully in the moment. These discussions linger long after they’ve ended, often challenging our assumptions and inspiring us to rethink our own narratives. They leave an indelible mark on our minds and hearts, shaping the way we perceive not only ourselves but also the world around us.
So many people only possess the ability to see life through their own eyes and their own experiences, which, in my view, represents a rather sad state of existence. This limited perspective creates a small world that fosters anger, egocentrism, and self-serving behaviors. When individuals are unable or unwilling to look beyond their own experiences, they miss out on the richness that comes from understanding the diverse tapestry of human life. Taking the time to listen to someone’s beliefs, life events, views, baggage, and blessings opens up a world of understanding. It encourages us to learn about where they come from, how they arrived at their current place in life, and where they hope to go in the future.
Engaging in these conversations allows us to see the world through a broader lens, one that many people may not care to explore. The impact of a single conversation can be tremendous; it has the power to brighten someone’s day, change a life forever, challenge entrenched thinking, inspire new possibilities, and even save a life. This last point resonates deeply with me. It is precisely for this reason that I make it a point to tell everyone I meet that if they ever need someone, they should call me. I communicate this clearly to everyone in my life because I want them to know that if they ever feel isolated or unheard, all they have to do is reach out, and I will be there for them.
I do not wish the feeling of being alone and unheard on anyone, as I have experienced that sense of isolation far too many times in my life. It’s crucial to create a network of support where people feel they can share their struggles without fear of judgment. Each of us has the potential to be a lifeline for someone else, to provide that critical moment of connection that can alter the course of a person’s day or even their life. By being open and willing to listen, we contribute to a more compassionate world where understanding and empathy flourish.
My desire to understand people is matched only by my insatiable thirst for knowledge. From an early age, I have consistently aimed for excellence in everything I pursue. I set extremely high standards for myself, which has led to a wealth of learning experiences. However, this drive for greatness also means I often become my own harshest critic. It's not about being a people pleaser; rather, I hold myself to an unrealistic standard of inhuman perfection.
I strive for impeccable control, meticulous planning, and flawless execution in every aspect of my life. For instance, I remember the emotional turmoil I experienced when I received my first B in school; it felt like a personal failure. In conversations, I actively listen to every word, sifting through my mental Rolodex of potential responses to select the most appropriate one. I analyze the impact of my actions, considering how they might affect those around me. Often, I will dedicate days to practicing a particular skill or task, excluding everything else from my focus until I achieve what I believe to be the ideal outcome. This relentless pursuit of perfection is a double-edged sword, fueling my growth while simultaneously intensifying my self-criticism. The journey is both rewarding and fraught with complexity, as I navigate the delicate balance between ambition and self-acceptance.
Letting up on myself, accepting that making mistakes is a natural part of growth, and learning to prioritize my own needs occasionally is an ongoing journey I confront every day. Throughout my life, I have consistently placed the needs and wants of others above my own, even when it became clear that they had no interest in reciprocating. I would exhaust myself, and ensure everyone around me felt heard, valued, and supported. In doing so, I often neglected my own well-being. My self-care fell by the wayside; there were times I couldn’t even remember to eat three meals a day. I would constantly chastise myself for indulging in anything I deemed wasteful or frivolous. I was convinced that I didn’t deserve the same kindness and consideration that I freely offered to others. This mindset created a cycle of self-neglect that left me feeling drained and invisible, as though my own needs were unworthy of attention.
Since embarking on this journey of self-discovery and personal growth, I have found that it is a daily battle to learn how to prioritize myself. I am gradually learning to set more reasonable expectations for what I can accomplish, recognizing that it’s okay to take breaks and focus on my own needs. I’m beginning to understand that I deserve the same love and attention I give to others. This shift in perspective has not come easily, and I often find myself wrestling with guilt when I prioritize my own needs. Yet, I am slowly realizing that self-care is not selfish; it is essential for my well-being. Embracing my worthiness is a work in progress, but I am determined to cultivate a deeper sense of compassion for myself and find a healthier balance in my relationships with others.
I have never taken part in what people would call “my generation’s” crazes. You know people all jumping on the same boat because it's “in” and then hopping back out when it's not. In recent years, many people have claimed to have autism (ASD), many having good reason and many unfounded. I believe very strongly that the people making the unfounded claims are lessening the claims of people who are truly on the spectrum. So, this diagnosis has not been officially determined by a professional, but in the words of a professional “I show many signs and symptoms that point to such”. Whether my trauma in life has perfectly manifested in the symptoms that appear as such or whether I am is up to whatever anyone wants to think.
My brother has never believed I have ASD. He claims that I am using it as a crutch. When it is the exact opposite. Yes, I do tell people I meet that I have ASD so they understand how it affects my functionality and social behaviors. I have been asked many times throughout my life if I was autistic and I have staunchly denied it because when I was growing up autism was a stereotype and barely understood for what it actually is. In the past couple of years, I have come to terms with things that might put me on the spectrum but as far as using it as a crutch? I'm not too keen on giving up or giving in, making excuses, and I'm certainly not interested in getting a leg up. As I have said many times in my life, "I do everything like I bet $100 bucks on it."
For me, the mention of ASD serves more as a way to communicate that I think and interact with the world differently than most people do, not as an excuse for why I might struggle in certain areas. Despite my challenges—like social anxiety, sound sensitivity, and an inability to multitask or lie—I also see my unique traits as integral to, what I like to call, my superpowers. These characteristics allow me to perceive the world in ways that others might miss, sparking inventive solutions and enabling me to tackle problems from various angles. While I sometimes find myself overly absorbed in details, I can’t help but reflect on the butterfly effect: every aspect of my being, whether I perceive it as positive or negative is equally integral to who I am.
I take pride in the many attributes that make me unique: I am intelligent, humorous, hardworking, caring, thoughtful, and creative, among many other things. However, while I recognize these qualities intellectually, I often struggle to connect that knowledge with my feelings. For most of my life, I have fixated on my shortcomings and the mistakes I’ve made, which amplifies the weight of my perceived failures. This disconnect between what I know to be true about myself and how I feel about it can be overwhelming, but I am actively working to release those negative thoughts and create space for the positive.
In short, I encourage everyone to join me in taking the time to slow down and let go of the burdens they carry. Consider stepping outside of your own perspective to see the worlds of others. Allow yourself to soften the expectations you place on yourself; remember that it’s perfectly human to struggle and falter. Instead of viewing what you perceive as disadvantages, consider how they might be transformed into superpowers. Every small step and every experience, whether good or bad, contributes to who we are. We can embrace this journey and be grateful for it, celebrating the fact that we all have the power to shape where tomorrow takes us.
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