A New Beginning

Trigger warning: this post contains descriptions of mental health crisis and self harm.

 I have always dreamt of traveling the world. This blog was intended to tell the story of all my future journeys, but as I considered how to start, I realized I could not start my journey without first telling how it began.

 My mental health has always been a struggle for me, even before I knew what it was. Whether genetic, consequential, or a mixture of both it has been a hard road to travel. I have been neglected, abandoned, discounted, forgotten, excluded, lied to, backstabbed, abused, and accused. I have lost, been turned away, torn apart, left alone, and told to go.

My mother wanted a son and she got me. From the second I was born, I was treated as if I was worthless by the woman I needed most. Throughout my entire life, every event ingrained that worthlessness in me. Although I know I have many great qualities, knowing and feeling are two very different things. My lack of self-worth made me my own worst critic, a perfectionist. I don't care if anyone else cares. I care, so much so to my detriment.

This led to a lifetime of depression, anxiety, insomnia, OCD, and consideration of suicide. Ever since I can remember, I have hoped I didn't have to wake up the next day. Being a Christ follower, I couldn’t take my own life, so every night, I would beg God to do it for me. Every morning when I woke up I cursed the day and put on my mask. I couldn’t let anyone know; I couldn’t ask for help, I didn't know how. 

I got burnt out in my life this past year, so I decided to pack my stuff in my car and leave. I traveled, I worked doordash, I loved, and then I got left and got destroyed in the process… yet again. My lack of concern for my well-being and interests was my downfall yet again and for the first time in my life, I refused to get back up. I cursed God, I cursed myself, I cursed this life. I was done.

When the day came when I had no home, no money, no car, and no rest, I couldn’t stop crying for 3 days, and I got told to leave my temporary place as I read the text message saying so, screamed to the heavens “It’ll never be enough. I’ll never be enough!”, I fell to the ground in tears and it was decided. I was going to kill myself. I set a timed text to say goodbye. Then I took everything I could find to ensure I would die. As I sat there and my breathing became more difficult, I looked up and flipped off God because, for the first time in my life, I didn’t care what He had to say. If a bet was made for my soul, I forfeited.

Luckily my friend found me in time to call for help. I went to a facility and got help. After I got out, I stayed with my brother in the middle of nowhere, and one night, I went out to look at the stars. One of my favorite things to do. At that moment, under the beauty of the night sky, as tears rolled down my face, I felt… real. Present for the first time in my life. Everything that had happened in my life felt like it had happened to someone else. I couldn’t believe that was how my life went. When did I check out? Was I ever actually there?

I did end up checking back in to get some more help, and after getting my medication right, finding a great therapist, accepting help from family and friends, and some time, I have made great progress in my mental health. I have a long road ahead to strengthen and maintain my mental well-being. Some moments still don’t feel real, but I know this: that moment sitting under the stars looking up at the beauty this world has to offer, I felt real, I felt seen, I felt clear, I felt whole. That is when I decided that pursuing that feeling would be my passion in life. 

This blog will be devoted to sharing both my physical and mental journey. I hope that, in some way, my story can be a light to others. Additionally, I am proud to announce that 10% of my profit will be donated to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI).